About America

Let met start this off by saying, I’m not here to preach or teach or any of that. I don’t have any numbers – whether they’re statistics or facts. All I know is that I’m an American, and I’m pissed off. You should be, too. Unfortunately, you don’t know what to be mad about. So I’ll enlighten you.

That swirling, festering anxiety feeling in your stomach is pure, unadulterated anger towards your fellow countrymen. You haven’t realized this yet because you’re too busy crying at the gas pump or weeping over your bills.

Heh, let’s begin with a history lesson. There was a time, some… oh 232 years ago… when a group of settlers kicked some serious red-coat ass. They were led by rich farmers and drunks, who wanted nothing more than to be rich, drunk farmers without the interference of that meddlesome king. They didn’t shy away from this faraway baddie, whose minions lurked on their very streets. Instead, they got pissed off and wrote a letter.

They really didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were doing. They just knew there was something seriously wrong with the way their lives were being controlled. Caged and taxed, the wild animals of the colonies used their claws to lash out at the oppressor.

Hold up. Enough of the history lesson. You want to know why in God’s name I’m telling you this, right? Oh, sorry, sorry! I shouldn’t have said, “God,” I know how much that offends a slight minority of the population.

Heh, well, if that offends you, be prepared to hate me.

You are all fucking morons. While you cry and weep over the gas and bills, I laugh all the way to the bank. But, alas, soon I shall cry, too. Why, you ask? As I watch with helplessness and a whimpering heart, slowly – but surely – our financial freedom is being torn away from us.

And, dammit, it’s all your fault!

“Now, now, Jackie, don’t blame those poor, defenseless Americans – they didn’t know any better!” Please, don’t feed me shit. It’s unhealthy and quite frankly disgusts me. If you thought you could buy $30,000 worth of stuff on a piece of plastic and not have to pay it back, you are a moron.

Sadly, these morons are the ones who vote, also. I know, I know, don’t bring it up! We’ve heard it a million times. After all, it is election year.

It needs to be brought up. And all of you morons out there need to pay attention! Put away the credit card – it’s a figure of speech.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but the reason I lectured you all on our amazing history is because we’ve forgotten it. There was a time in which we would have fought the most powerful government in the world simply so it would leave us alone. Now, as we dig ourselves a hole and slip in, we beg, beg, beg the government to pull us out.

The rope of safety only reaches so far, my friends. So put down your shovels for one moment and look up. You want to curse and scream at those who dangle the rope just a few feet above your head. Why don’t they lower it further? You wonder. I told you – it only reaches so far. Don’t blame them, they’re trying.

No, no, it’s not the shovel’s fault either! You see, it’s an inanimate object and doesn’t control itself. The shovel cannot dig that hole for you. It is you, my silly little gardener, who controls the shovel and digs the hole.

Did I confuse you? Here, let me explain – that hole is “debt,” the shovel could be “credit cards” or “loans,” those people above are “the government,” and that rope is the lifeline you so desperately want.

I have a question. It’s really simple, so don’t think too hard. How much of your life do you want the government to control? They already control how much fat you can eat. They’re ready to control your finances. They’re so afraid of offending people, they shy away from words such as “God.” God! Of all things to be afraid of!

Here’s an idea. It’s just an idea. How about we make McDonalds illegal until your 25. Get rid of credit cards, what good are they? Loans are pointless abolish them like we did slavery (I just offended someone). The only way to get God and faith completely out of school and government is just to make that illegal, too. How about that? Make religion illegal.

Hey, no need to yell at me about it! You’ve all be allowing them to do this! Don’t yell at them about it! They’re only doing what you ask of them!

Oh, there I go, laughing again. Isn’t that funny? Don’t you find it humorous? Can you even control that bubbling, rumbling bellowing laugh that wants to escape those twisted lips? We’re asking them to take our rights away, because we’re too damn stupid to control our own lives.

Whoa, hold up. Does that mean those high taxes are your fault, too? Why, yes, simple, foolish creature, they are! Now, you see, we live in a capitalist society. That means our economy runs on competition. Would you rather make $45,000 a year, or $300,000 a year?

Me? Well, I’d rather make $45,000. Don’t laugh! That’s rude! You made me this way. You, my precious gardener, planted such a wonderful flower last spring. It has bloomed to be the most vivid color the world has ever seen! Can’t you see it, just outside your kitchen window? It’s the color of taxes!

Why the hell would you want to make $300,000 if everyone in the nation thinks that’s too much money? Now, just a second, I have to take some painkillers for this headache I’m getting. A lot of people who make that kind of money rightfully deserve it. Rarely does someone simply “get lucky.” It’s all about kicking ass and taking names.

So these people work their asses off and suddenly we take their hard earned cash away. What do we do with this money? Give it to the poor, of course!

Suddenly, since all of that money is being given away, everyone wants to be poor! Why work for it when you can get it for free, from our friendly neighborhood government? No one gets rich, no one gets taxed, and now what do we do? We’re all poor, uneducated, in debt, and controlled by our favorite tag team of destruction – yes, that’s right, the government!

Let me let you in on a secret: If you take away the rich’s money, to give to the poor, we become a socialist society. That’s like having the government point a gun to your head and say, “Listen, bitch, put the cash and any valuables in the bag and no one gets hurt!” Within a week, everyone has a check of equal value in their trusty mailbox.

Gotta love that mailbox. It’s where we get postcards, wedding invitations, coupon books, and bills.

Are you mad yet? No, not yet? Let me assist.

If you think the President is the beginning and end to all of your problems, you need to go back to high school. Yes, I just called you an idiot. Apparently you didn’t pay attention in Civics class. It’s all about our favorite group of lawyers and bureaucrats – Congress!

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the next time you want to punch a road worker in the face for repaving the same road the for fourth time in four years you can thank your local representative. Wait, do you… even know who they are? You don’t?

Oh, damn. You really are an idiot.

Mad yet? Well, get mad! Get angry! I don’t know what you need to do with that anger, but we’ll find out. Maybe we’ll write a history-changing letter about the simple rights of men. Perhaps we’ll have the guts to take on the greatest, strongest government in the world so we can reclaim our place.

All I know is you need to tell people you’re mad. Don’t hide it. Get others mad, too. I don’t care if they’re mad at themselves or their best friends – I don’t give a damn if they curse God or the government. Spread the word, my gardeners. Be foolish no more.

I want to see this rant everywhere. Wear it on a T-shirt. Write it on a sign. Print it out and post it on your community or school’s bulletin board. Stuff it in envelops and place them in mailboxes. Tell them you wrote it, tell them your friend wrote it, tell them some mad, crazy woman with too much time on her hands wrote it.

I don’t want to be played by lawyers and bureaucrats any longer. I don’t want my hard earned cash going to some fool in a welfare line. I don’t need handouts. No longer shall my life be ran by bureaucracy, mediocrity, and hypocrisy. This is a movement – a revolution. Not one of violence, not one of rumbling despair. It is a silent, gale wind, which carries on the words of men. It rests in justice, liberty, the pursuit of happiness – all things taken for granted, but precious beyond simple definitions. This is your life, my friends.